Hatred/EGO 😈 vs. The Muse 💐

“Hatred or evil, or whatever you want to call it, it’s intelligent. It’s smart, and it’s invisible….it’s an invisible snake…thinking to itself, ‘I am going to divide my enemy into smaller, less strong groups. And then I’m going to make them hate each other, so it’s easier to take them down.’” -Lady Gaga

Dear Reader,

I am a little confused as to my role as I work to find my footing in this rapidly shifting reality.

My artist voice, the wise one within, the muse that paints with every color, has been silent for a while.

My human role, my female role, my wife and mother role, has taken precedence, influenced by some unkind words spoken in my most sacred space a couple months ago.

An invisible snake of sorts attacked, and suddenly, I could not bring myself to continue “Mocktail Hour.” All the inspiration I felt I had to share dried up in an instant. Crushed.

In feelings of hurt and shame, my ego took the wheel. My ego said, “I need to finish my book and I need to get a job.” So I got a job and finished my book.

My ego also said, “I need to distance myself from my feelings to survive.”  I’ve been doing that for weeks now. Just staying above water and playing out my role to the best of my ability, with little time or will to reflect deeply or allow my inner voice to express itself.

In the meantime, the United States has had the most contentious presidential election that I have personally experienced, and my newsfeed has gone from bad to worse with the level of emotion-driven content from a large number of strangers, acquaintances, and a handful of friends on both sides of the political aisle. I am incredibly aware of the level of heightened emotion in the air. I also feel a strong sense of uncertainty and insecurity in our culture, like everyone is struggling to gain steady footing.

I understand firsthand the feeling of insecure tension, craving an answer that makes us feel better, and not necessarily agreeing on what that answer is, as my partner and I were not politically aligned for this election.

To add to the assortment of feelings, I converted to Catholicism about a year ago, a group that has been instrumental in re-electing former and now future President Donald Trump and soon-to-be Vice President JD Vance. I know this must be the way forward as a nation, as this is the way we are going, but I don’t resonate with some key parts of the rhetoric and fanfare. It feels distinctly un-spiritual to me, in fact, and so, I find the current collusion of politics and religion to be alienating.

I sense a huge opportunity for spiritual growth; I am just not certain it will happen in a church pew for me at this time in history.

I also feel a personal artistic renaissance may be brewing. The act of my writing this is an opening to this.

I distinctly feel myself to be at a point where at least two paths lie before me:

Path 1- Keep letting the ego drive, keep head down, keep feelings in check, fit with society, don’t cause a stir, don’t look out of place, blend in, and hope for the best.

Path 2- Re-engage the inner voice, be aware of the invisible snake that would like for me to be divided from my inner wisdom and voice, share my voice though it may make me stand out, and continue to live an authentic public life, which for me, means an openly creative and honest life.

Regardless of which path I walk, both will involve operating in this new landscape, where things feel qualitatively different.

Being present, allowing feelings to come and go, and recognizing the human tendency I have to judge others on themes that are in need of healing in my own body and mind will be key for my peace and evolution in this journey.

How about you?